???????

So I decided to post a new blog today to say how I feel but then i realized that I don't actually know how I feel right now.

I just know that I sick and tiered of my new found emotions.

I didn't use to be an emotional person, and I didn't like it.

But now that I am emotional my emotions have decided to go haywire!

One moment I'll feel really close to God and I'll know I can do anything with his help, and the next moment I feel tiered and like I'm about to fall over and die at any minute.

I know that God has a reason for my suffering and that He's always going to be right here with me, but right now I just want it all to go away.

Unfortunately the one thing I want most right now is a hug and, amazing as He is, God is not able to give out physical hugs, at least, not personally.

I mean, I understand why he can't. That whole "NO ONE SHALL SEE THE FACE OF GOD," thing.  But I wish He could, because I really need a hug right now. :(

The spirit is strong

So lately I've just felt like I've been under constant attack from the devil. 

It's just attack after attack with barely a break in between.

I know God is right here with me and that He won't let anything happen to me, but it's still hard to be under constant attack

My spirit is unshakable, but my body feels like it just wants to give up.

"The spirit is strong, even if the body is week," but I often wonder if the spirit will actually be able to keep the body going, even when it's tiered or broken.

I think it would, but I don't really want to find out.

I just want these attacks to stop.

But I know that I'm not in this alone.

God is with me, and so are my friends.

But prayer would be nice. :)       

Our God is a God who saves.

You know, going through what I just went through is both physically and spiritually draining, and I would not suggest that anyone do that to themselves.

A few months ago I went up at the end of church to get a prophetic word and one of the things they told me is that I was a strong person.  After I had had about six emotional break downs in one hour I began to think that they had been wrong.  But I realize now that being strong doesn't mean that you won't have problems. Everyone has problems. Even Jesus had problems.  Being strong simply means that you can overcome those problems, no matter how hard they are.

So just remember that having problems doesn't make you weak. It's how you handle that problem that determines how weak or strong you are.  And even when you feel weak God's always there to give you strength. 

Oh taste, and see, that the Lord is Good to me.

The one thing I forgot through all my suffering is that God never gives us something to great for us to handle!

He would never do that.  He loves us too much.  And when we shut the door to our heart to keep him out He's not on the the other side, knocking on the door and waiting for us to open it for Him.  He's on the other side of the door with a giant hammer trying to brake the door down.

You see, He'll never give up on you because nothing can separate us from Him, even if we run away.  Because His love never fails us.  It didn't fail us when He was brutally beaten and then nailed to a tree, so why should it ever fail us!

Even when we think we've shut Him out completely He still finds a way in!

Our God is an Awesome God, and I don't want anyone reading this to forget that, including me!       

I FEEL SO DUMB!!!

So after I posted my most recent blog I started reading it over and something about it struck me as odd.  Then I read Aaron's comment and it confermed my suspitions.

The reason I've been such a mess lately is not because I'm sad that Jesus died.  It's because I've been blaming myself.  Now, of corse, it is partualy my fault, we all put him through that by chosing sin over God in the Garden of Eden.  But God forgives me, and if he can forgive me then I can forgive myself too.

Crying over the suffering of someone you love deeply is not only okay, it's perfectly normal.  So, yes.  I probable will still be crying every 10 minents, at least for a while, but that's okay, as long as I don't keep blaming myself. 

God is so good to me, but he can't help me if I keep shuting him out.

Duh.

I just felt like I couldn't let him help me after what I did to him.  But, as I before, God doesn't care.  He loves me anyway, and He wants to help me, and I'm going to let him.

Thank you Aaron for everything!

ERRRRRRRRRRRR!

It won't stop!

I just feel really defeated.

I just don't know what to do anymore!

Nothing helps.

I don't know if I can get through this.

I don't know if I'm strong enough.

I must have some hope to cling to though.  Killing myself to put myself out of my misery is still very much not an option, and I don't feel like it ever will be.

Please keep praying!

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Oh my.  There are no words to describe how I feel right now....

Anyone Who Reads This Please Pray!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

      So, I'm kind of stressed.

      I've been having spiritual emotional breakdown after spiritual emotional breakdown today.  I'm beginning to think watching the Passion of the Christ was a bad idea.  I'm not sure i was spiritually ready.  I've been having emotional breakdowns throughout the past two days but, even after being prayed for, they're getting worse.  I'm really not able to find comfort in anything today.  i really wish T.J. was here right now but he's at school all day today.

     I'm in excruciating agony today, but i know that God has a purpose for my suffering.  It must be from Him because Prayer made me worse, not better.  plus it doesn't feel like the devil.  I'm only effected when I'm really close to God, a time when the devil can't harm me.

     I ask anyone reading this to ask God to give me strength in this hard time, even if it's something that will effect me the rest of my life.

    I will keep posting updates every day this week.  even if no one else reads this it has helped me to just post what I'm going through right now.